Rollercoaster

The tequilas are starting to kick in. I love live music and eagerly await the start of the concert. Lately music is my only companion in the morning. It urges my soul to let go by dancing all around the kitchen or collapsing in floods of tears that come from a well so deep that I’m afraid they will never end.

Thankfully, my friends are easy to spot. I don’t feel a knot in my stomach anymore walking into an event alone. It’s taken me more years than I care to admit to master this feat. I had become accustomed to the security and comfort of my husband’s constant presence after 24 years of marriage.

My friend asks, “How is Chris?” It ‘s a soundtrack that never stops playing. I just want to chat and get lost in the music. Pretend to be normal tonight, happy and carefree. I miss the old me. To keep the evening upbeat, I brightly answer, “ he has a little more energy and his color is good.” Chris has stage four Prostate Cancer and Secondary MDS that causes Acute Leukemia. My life is a roller coaster. Fear sits with me and engulfs me during each descent. I’ve been riding for 5.5 years. When will it ever end?

#cancer, #caregiver, #stemcelltransplant, #energyhealing, #fear, #longtermillness, #energyhealer, #kerryjones