Trust

Order and organization rule my life. I am the queen of to do lists. I can’t think if there is clutter in the room and need to sense space in order to relax. Controlling my environment and schedule makes me feel safe. With cancer this is no longer possible. It is a ruler that dictates a moment-to-moment, day-by-day existence. I am comfortable with my old traits. I struggle trying to apply my rules to a new game. Exhausted emotionally and physically, I crumble and eventually succumb to the new rhythm of my life. Letting go of control and opening up to trust. Trust that the transplant holds, trust that the antivirals protect against germs and disease, and trust that my husband wants to keep fighting. Trust that the universe takes care of us. Trusting is a tiresome struggle that wages every minute of every day. Mantra’s, meditation and staying present reinforce my new foundation. Trust is much stronger, flexible, and more adept at flowing with the new direction of my life. Surprisingly like my yoga, it suits me.

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