Joy
The days are so repetitive and solitary. My husband sleeps half the day and then rests again in the late afternoon. He is a shadow of his former vibrant self. I need to be home full time to care for him. Career and friends are on hold. The gym and yoga are my only outlets. I’m home by the time he rises.
I woke up this morning sad and full of self-pity. I’m tired of the heaviness. Fashion, music, meditation and exercise are my weapons. A bright orange top and dancing with dishes in the kitchen gives me a little boost. Meditation is next. I slept well last night; that’s a string of three nights in a row, a record this month. I lie down and place the stones on my throat, heart and third chakras. My eyes close and I sink into the void. It’s so peaceful but some lovely, delicious and powerful energies want to work with me. The last being joy. It envelops, and seeps into my body making me lighter, calmer and happier. I want this to last forever. I don’t want to come back and face the day. Cancer sucks.
Opening the door of the gym, I swipe my card and march down to the locker room to store my jacket. Water bottle and iPod in the hand, I head to the main cardio room and I’m immediately hit the feeling of density. The room’s energy is 5 out 10. I don’t want to sink down to that level. I remember the feeling of joy and plug into it like a socket. It’s a cord connecting me to that light, lovely feeling. It slowly permeates my body; I start to run and silently sing along to the music pulsing in my ears. A mile goes by pleasantly but now it’s time to workout.
I'm lying with my upper back on a large exercise ball and legs supporting me in a bridge position. Twenty-pound weights are in my hands and this is the fourth set of three various punishing exercises. My arms are screaming and I'm thinking the weight is going to slip and crack my teeth! My mood spirals downward with each rep. Pain and then suddenly, surprisingly the thought of joy pops into my brain. What the hell, it's worth a try. I think about the feeling of joy and I feel the cord plug in. Joy subtly spreads over me. The pain is still there and I labor with the weights but it's so much more pleasant. I can do this! I finish the workout with more ease and dare I say fun. I smile but what's really cool is that I have a new weapon!
#cancer, #caregiver, #stemcelltransplant, #energyhealing, #grief, #hope, #meditation, #joy, #longtermillness, #energyhealer, #kerryjones
